Brad Watkins's First Speech

Brad Watkins took the stand. It had been a very long time before he had won the party's nomination, and, to add insult to injury, the only Progressivist candidate that was chosen last year was John Hopkins, who, quite frankly, shouldn't have won in his opinion. He had been elected twice, and the country was falling apart because the education system had not been maintained.

Brad Watkins delivered his speech without teleprompter and scant notes at the podium. He took a deep breath and began, "Friends, I am here to tell you about the miserable state of the country." The audience paused. That line had gotten their attention, like he hoped it would. "And our three Presidents have done nothing but make it worse. And it all starts with education. Most of our children who have graduated can barely read at a 4th-grade level." The audience murmured in assent. "Our media writes at a kindergarten level! The other day, the media defended religious education because, and I quote, 'God is awesome.'" He made a "duh" face, making some in the audience laugh. "Or how about this one? 'Scientists debate if two plus two equals four.'" He looked carefully at the audience as he scanned them. "That is the smartest they can write for some of us to understand. Folks, we can--and will--do better. I propose gutting the primary and secondary education system, and then rebuilding it. Our education system has been dubbed 'essential.' But it's not because it is essential; it's because all it teaches ARE the essentials!" Applause broke out.

The crowd eventually quieted down and Mr. Watkins continued his speech. "This change won't happen overnight; rather, it's a ten-year plan. Only by going slowly can we fix the education system. If we rush it, we run the risk of screwing the education system up further." He paused. "This is what I propose: gone will be the 3-hour school day. It will be replaced by a 5-hour, 7-day school day. More emphasis will be paid in the areas of economics, politics, math, and science...and that's just naming a few." There were several nods of approval. "Once we get that going, we can worry about the time at which school begins. Studies suggest that kids can't learning early in the morning!" Applause broke out. "I can't, I know that." He chuckled, and the audience laughed with him. "Instead, classes will start at 9 and end at 2. The final step is to remove the burden of parenthood from the equation." Applause rang out. "I suggest that we create a care-taking agency so parents don't have to worry about being home for their kids until their workday is over!" Applause began to rise.

"The time is now! The future of your kids is at stake! This is our time! Let's let children learn and succeed! They are our future! Thank you! And may the Flying Spaghetti Monster be with you!" The crowd laughed at the last bit.